Memo to the D.C. Newbie

The D.C. Newbie might become aware of an air of hostility tainting his first experience with the District. It isn't personal, Newbie - logically, those of us who live and work here realize that you couldn't possibly be aware of this city's numerous quirks immediately upon your arrival. It's just that there are so many of you, and a very large minority of your cohorts seem to toss common sense to the wind once inside the Beltway, and it gets a little frustrating.

So as someone who realizes that D.C. customs and common courtesies are not always immediately evident to newcomers, a list of tips and unwritten rules:

1. Washington is not a playground, an amusement park or a museum exhibit. People actually live and work here, and don't appreciate being delayed by people on vacation who don't realize their party of six is inevitably always in the way. (I think this goes for any major city/tourist destination.)
   
2. Unless you actually have somewhere to be at 9am, avoid the Metro at rush hour. Similar to #1, the Metro is not a joy ride, it's how people get to and from work. A lot of people, actually, and it's very, very crowded on weekday mornings and evenings, with people who are prone to crankiness. If you're a tourist, find something within walking distance of your hotel to do until 9:30 or 10am. Trust me, if it's your first time in the area, you'll feel uncomfortably awkward during morning rush hour on the Metro. Especially if you have kids. Infinitely more so if one or more of them are in a stroller. Plus, minimum fare is 30 cents cheaper after 9:30am ($1.35, instead of $1.65).
   
3. Escalators are a mode of transportation, not a reason to be lazy. Yes, in many other cities in the world (L.A., for example), no one walks on escalators. Here, most people do the majority of the time. No one cares if you stand, as long as you do it on the right-hand side - the left-hand side is the "fast lane." If you stand on the left, you're the equivalent of the VW bus doing 30 in the carpool lane, so don't be surprised if someone asks you, impatiently, to move.
4. Same goes for sidewalks. The generous width of the sidewalks is not an invitation to walk five abreast, it's a concession to a city with a large number of pedestrians. Just as many people take the Metro rather than drive to work, many people also walk, so stay to one side here as well.
5. Use the buddy system. Breaking your group up into pairs (with at least one cell phone in each pair, and one person who knows where you're going and more or less how to get there) will save you a lot of frustration. If the large family I ran into post-D.C. United game this Saturday had been using the buddy system, the pairs who were on the platform as the "doors closing" chimes sounded could have jumped into whatever car was nearest them, and those who were still on the escalator could have caught the next train, everyone confident that everyone else would get where they were going within about 10 minutes of one another. (Instead, the two teenagers who got there first spent two or three minutes delaying the train by standing in the doorway, shouting down the platform at the rest of their group to hurry up, delaying the train and cramming their entire extended family into one already-overcrowded car.)
   
6. Don't drive. Not because I think tourists or interns are bad drivers (Washingtonians are terribly rude drivers, so driving skills are relative here anyway!), but because it will stress you out, cost you far more than public transportation and probably take you longer. Parking is expensive, the streets weren't built to handle today's traffic volumes and there are so many one-way streets you'll have to drive twice the actual distance between points A and B. (And when you slow down or stop to ask a convenient pedestrian for directions, four times out of five they won't know what to tell you, because they don't drive and so don't pay attention to which streets are one-way in which direction.)
7. Be aware of where you are. In the summer, I regularly miss trains, open doors and green lights because I have to find a way around groups of tourists and interns who have stopped directly in front of the escalator they've just stepped off, the building they've just left or the curb they've just stepped up on. It's easy to focus on the internal dynamic of your group, but keep an eye on where you are in relation to those around you, too - they'll appreciate it. (I wanted to applaud yesterday for an eight-person family visiting the District who had all stepped back against the wall of a building while one family member bought drinks and hot dogs for everyone from a street vendor, rather than having the whole family crowd both the cart and the sidewalk. Way to go!)
8. Metro car doors are not elevator doors. Okay guys, this one is crucial: the doors on Metro cars will never - ever - spring back if you stick your arm, leg or backpack between them. They're just not built to do that. Yes, if you're very strong you can force a door to stay open by leaning all your weight on it, but once the conductor closes (or tries to) the doors, you forcing one to stay open won't do anything but break it - and that means every single person on the whole train has to get off and wait for the next one. In which case everyone will be very cranky, and very cramped on both the platform and the next train. So either get on or get off, but when the "doors closing" chime sounds, get out of the doorway.
   

Interning in Washington is a rite of passage for many American college students, and can be a fantastic experience. But for interns, there are a few more specific tips:

1. Remember that you're an intern. Interns are great and can be a huge help - but they can also sometimes forget themselves. This is especially true of summer interns on Capitol Hill, who are usually also part tourist, and often leap before they look when it comes to how Washington works. Interns, do a good job at the basics - boring as they are - and keep your eyes open, and you'll get both the good recommendation and the insight into non-profits/law firms/the Hill you were (hopefully) looking for when you applied. Save the rest for when you're a paid employee.
2. Keep your eyes and ears open. (i.e., Talk less, watch more.) Yes, you've written research papers on several of the issues that are important to the organization/firm/Congressman/Senator you're interning for. But you won't know the specifics of how they address those issues, and you certainly won't know the office culture, before you arrive. Rather than making an early faux pas (that will inevitably become what you're remembered for), observe the inner workings of your new digs before jumping in with what you know.
3. Intern badges are interesting only when you're not in Washington. (Hill interns, this one's for you.) Any internship that involves a badge or other form of ID requires you to wear them because it's standard operating procedure for whoever you're working for, not because your boss thinks it makes you look cool. Yes, showing such badges to your out-of-town friends makes for good, concrete proof of your awesome internship in the nation's capital, but wearing it out to the clubs on a Friday or Saturday night just makes you look unprofessional, and announces your (probably unpaid) intern status to everyone you meet.
4. Don't do anything stupid just because you're in Washington. D.C. is actually the worst place to decide to go a little wild, because since it's not a state, every infraction is federal. Fake IDs? Really, really bad idea. Not only will you end up in the federal system for attempting to purchase alcohol underage, but if anyone actually serves you, the establishment could lose its liquor license and the bartender will inevitably be fired and probably charged as well. As a result, Washington bouncers, bartenders and servers are really good at spotting fakes - the hard-nosed ones will turn you over to Metro PD (again, federal offense!); the more laid-back ones will just confiscate your ID and kick you out (or sometimes offer to give it back for somewhere in the neighborhood of $50-$100...and still kick you out). Oh, and your intern badge? Not a valid ID.
   
5. dcinterns.blogspot.com is an invaluable, if snarky, resource. Consider it your ongoing summer reading assignment and make it your mission in life to never see yourself there. (For non-interns, it's just hilarious, especially if you've ever lived or interned in Washington yourself.)

All that said - have a blast in D.C.! It's a great city, despite the extremely swampy summer weather, and the history here is not to be missed. Washingtonians don't always come across as the friendliest of people, but smile, ask politely for any information you need and you'll usually be pleasantly surprised. Oh, and always carry an umbrella - the summer thunderstorms are bone-rattling, and can produce themselves from a clear blue sky in 20 minutes flat.