How (not) to meet someone

My friend Gina is at my parents' for a visit this weekend, and the snow on the roads wasn't nearly as bad as we were expecting, so my mom and I had several hours to talk on the way down to the valley (round trip winter driving time between the Middle of Nowhere and the Airport, AZ is 6+ hours, more if you factor in the usual stops for groceries, etc.).

One of the topics covered was how much more difficult it is to "meet someone" when you're no longer in school. Since for some unknown reason, I have a deep, visceral loathing for that phrase, I often get very sarcastic when it's mentioned in conversation. And, given my general exasperation with the usual list of "participate in group activities!, always be outgoing!, try something new!, etc., etc., ad nauseam," I came up with a list of ideas on how not to meet someone instead. Or at least ways that are more likely to get you disgruntled looks than phone numbers or dates.

1. Fall into someone - or at least into their path - on the street. This is the equivalent of dropping your pencil in class, except in the real world, you can't afford to be quite so subtle. As they're helping you up, dazzle them with your charm. (Guys, it doesn't get any more sensitive and vulnerable than falling into a dead faint on the sidewalk!)
2. Spill your drink on a designated driver at a bar. If they're not drinking, they're less likely to be sleazy. Also, they're clearly concerned about their friends' welfare (or lost a bet) - perfect! Use the excuse of apologizing and patting at their shirt with those tiny, completely ineffectual bar napkins to introduce yourself and slip your number into their pocket. You'll have made such a lasting impression, they'll call you the second they get the last of their snockered friends safely home to tell you all about that police officer who pulled them over for a broken tail light and was so amusingly skeptical about the source of that smell of mojito emanating from the drivers' side window.
3. Go to a black-tie New Year's Eve party by yourself! Guy or girl, standing around looking cheerful with a hint of vulnerability lurking beneath will have every couple in the room reaching for the numbers of all their single friends who made the poor choice of going to a house party or a bar for the evening.
4. Go on a series of job interviews (actually being in the process of looking for a job is optional). You'll get a chance to meet and talk with several different people who are presumably intelligent and fairly powerful in their chosen professions, and you'll have ample opportunity to search their left hands for evidence of a serious relationship. If they're wearing a ring, on to the next; if not, they'll have your phone number!
5. Trip a fellow runner or gym-goer mid-workout (be subtle!), then help them up and introduce yourself: "Hi, my name's [your name here]. I'm red, hot and sweating like a pig - nice to meet you!" They'll be so overwhelmed by your dedication to fitness that they'll collapse in a devoted puddle at your feet. (This one actually goes back several months, to when I was at the most intense period of my marathon training and complained to three of my girlfriends about the lack of date opportunities when you're spending every non-work waking moment running. We agreed there had to be a number of cute, intelligent, very fit guys I ran past every day, but were stumped about how to stop someone mid-run to introduce oneself. This was the solution. Don't worry, I never actually tried it.)
   

Disclaimer: all of these are terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ideas, and are suggested for the sole purpose of making you laugh. Implement these or any similarly hare-brained schemes at your own risk!