The Winter Coat Conundrum

It's a terrifying question: what winter coat to buy? Having grown up less than two miles from the beach in sunny southern California, this is an issue I never had to confront before my first winter in college. I shrugged, said, "Yeah, sure" when my mom showed me a gray peacoat she had found on sale in August, stuffed it in the bottom of my suitcase and didn't give it a second thought until we hit 55 degrees at the end of October. (When 65 degrees has been "chilly" enough to pull on a sweatshirt for 18 years, 55 requires some of the heaviest clothing you own.)

I quickly realized, however, that there are specific rules that must be followed when it comes to the purchasing and wearing of winter coats - although they don't seem to apply west of Chicago.

First and foremost, the colors acceptable in a winter coat are limited: black and camel/tan are the classics, with the less-frequently-available gray, red (women only) and brown mixed in. For women (sorry, guys) there's also winter white and occasionally cream, for those who have the baffling ability to wander around a dirty, often wet and slushy city for three or four months without attracting a single smudge.

Next, cut and fabric: when in doubt, a classic wool coat is the way to go. Double- or single-breasted, peacoat, walking or full-length are all acceptable, but beware the detachable hood, as you may end up the recipient of one of those pitying "What are they wearing?" looks should you happen to be walking around with yours partially detached. Non-wool coats are tricky, but can be pulled off. The key to successfully wearing a "puffer" or ski-style coat in the city is to ensure that it's one you could never actually wear for any appreciable amount of time in the snow (i.e. your rear-end would freeze, you'd get snow up your sleeves or down your neck, etc.).

Finally, style: scarf or no scarf, open or closed, (attached) hood up or down, belted or belt looped and tied at your back? These are the essential questions when it comes to actually wearing the coat you've picked, and the answers vary from year to year. Spend a few minutes watching any of the tween or teen dramas on the CW at the beginning of the cold season each year and you'll be up to speed before you know it.

Since, as you've probably noticed, all of this strikes me as more than a little ridiculous (it's a coat, it's bulky by definition, you wear it outside and in particularly cold buildings to keep warm - why does it have to be an annual fashion statement?), I've come up with my own set of quick-and-dirty rules on coat buying and wearing:

1. Don't pick the "in" coat for the year (or any coat. period.) if it makes you look like a scarecrow or impedes your ability to walk with your arms at less than a 45 degree angle.
2. In fact, ignore what's "in" - last year's coat is still warm, probably still fairly neutral, fashion-wise, and still probably cost you a couple hundred dollars. You don't need another one that fits the same description.
3. Don't shop for a coat before January if you can possibly avoid it. For reasons that escape me, designers think January is the perfect time to start breaking out the bikinis and stores start to panic about all the coats still in stock. I bought my current coat last February (after wearing the previous one exclusively for three and a half winters) and saved more than $100 on a coat (red!) that will last me for years. I was also able to wear it for a month and a half immediately after buying it.
   
4. Snap decisions, when it comes to coats, are bad. Start looking around early, seeing what colors and styles you like - that you'll feel comfortable wearing for at least several years - and get a handle on a few general "looks" (color, cut, fabric, etc.) you'd be happy with, then watch for them to go on sale. And once they go on sale at department stores, check out the web: Overstock and Amazon can offer some great deals on winter outerwear. Less well-known sites like shop.com and pricegrabber.com take a little more time to wade through, but can also yield some great low prices.

See? Pretty painless!

Now if only I could get people on the east coast to realize that it's much more comfortable to dress according to the weather, and not according to what the calendar says it should be...